Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thin pancakes give me the crepes

   It's amazing how one transgender can trigger so much hate and ignorance. Like honestly, how are people like that affecting your lives?

   The problem isn't the puppet or the puppeteer. It's the imbeciles in the audience screaming for an encore.

   Supreme Court sides with Trump. Get the illegals outta here.

   I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

   Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

   Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.

   It's sooooo hot, Hunter put ice in his coke

   Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

   I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

   Transgender children are like vegetarian cats. You know darn well it's the adult who's making the decision.

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   secretly wishing that Steve Garvey will someday be announcing winners of UFC cage matches.

   Best moment to sleep: 5% - in the evening, 95% - in the morning.

   Buggs Bunny and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Buggs asks Elmer, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer replies, “Not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!”

   I hate using Drano. You're literally pouring $4.00 dollars down the drain.

   Her: I want you to wreck my guts Me: *undercooks her chicken*

   If they give you Mouse Ears at Disneyland, what do they give you at Dollywood?

   For those who haven't a clue, today's subway shooting did not occur at a sandwich shop.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, please remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.