Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

   congrats to the NY Steinbrenners for buying....I mean winning the World Series!! Baseball is no longer America's Sport, the NFL is. Learn from them and get a salary cap!

   in a relationship with Jack Daniels and his half brother Jack Hoff ♥ (its complicated)

   having humpty dumpty for breakfast

   wonders why everyone on that baseball team is wearing a Jay-Z cap?

   Later on that night after Greyson was born Andrew and I were sitting alone..and he started to weep..and I asked him why...and he said "I'm scared..how do I explain to my son about Milli Vanilli" and I hugged him and told him God will help him find a way..

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   ..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."

   whispering sweet nothings in your boyfriends ear...as we speak

   you be Burger King, I'll be McDonald's, you'll have it your way,and i'll be lovin it!

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   just became the president of A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.- All American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous

   quietly confident about his latest 'get rich quick' scheme

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   nobody. NOBODY is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. So there. Logic and reasoning win again.

   After much thought and careful consideration, I have come up with a solution to Afghanistan. Instead of sending 40,000 more troops, let's send 40,000 bears.They will naturally migrate to the caves and eat the terrorists hiding out there.Problem Solved!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.