Funny Status Messages

   Either the leaves are changing colors or there was something in those brownies...

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   Just checking to see if we're still suppose to be pissed off at who performed at the Superbowl halftime show.

   They say do what you do best. Stripper pole, here I come.

   What if they close all the grocery stores and we have to go back to hunting for our food? I don't even know where Twinkies live...

   It is said that every day is a gift. Can I get a copy of the receipt so I can exchange it for something else?

   If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

   Just noticed I shaved really unevenly, but it should be okay...I don't think I'll be taking my pants off in this grocery store again.

   Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.

   Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."

   Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   With all the crowds of people there's going to be on Memorial Day weekend I'm not traveling, but not because of Coronavirus, I just don't like crowds.

   “midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

   that moment when you open the ice cream tub in the fridge only to find there's no ice cream but instead something completely random

   You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.