Funny Status Messages

   Ordale Pues, Lift Up Your Dress and I'll Do the Rest from Your Feet to Your Chest!

   called work and called in sick. I was told I cannot as I have taken all my entitled sick leave. I said "No...I meant I'm calling in as sick from work"

   was just asked by his mum to stop saying "I'm hungry" and to find something new to say fo once. So I said "OK...I'm horny for food!"

   There was a study done on the effects alcohol has on walking. The results were staggering.

   the homeless guy who gives me handies for five bucks made me sanitize my junk first because of COVID concerns. that is pretty woke for a homeless dude.

   I pretty much doubt hillbillies have big back accounts. Big moonshine bottles, yes, but not big bank accounts.

   No thanks. Jingle all the way sounds exhausting

   Facebook has crashed. Save your p0sts for now.

   When you tell a woman to show her teeth when she smiles, make sure you pronounce the word "Teeth" correctly to avoid being slapped.

   Inspirational status: If you can make a person happy today don't do it. Punch them in the face instead and steal their shoes.

   It's like...pizza is the perfect food if you have a dog. Say the dog watches you while you eat, like he's begging. So just give the crusts to the dog. He'll think he's getting his way.

   If you do the hokey pokey & turn yourself around, does that make you the bottom?

   50 cents was cheaper. Then building a Tupac hologram.

   It's crazy how people get up at 5 am to workout. I don't even get up at 5 am to pee, I just stay there and suffer...

   Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up making love. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

   My #1 home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Yeah. It's OK for you to call my pets "Fur Babies" but if I call your kid a "Skin Dog" you get angry.

   Growing up is realizing that talking doesn't scare the fish and that Grandpa just wanted you to shut the hell up.

   Signed up to be an organ donor but they said I have to wait to donate until after I die.

   WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security