Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   still confused after one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

   Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.

   Taylor Swift wins over MICHAEL JACKSON?!? Where the heck is Kanye when you need him!

   thinking the shortest book ever written was called negroes I have gone yachting with

   thinks my family is afraid of me cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I overheard them setting speed dials for the fire department, poison control...and the bomb squad...

   Whenever I date a woman, I think to myself, "Is this a woman that I want my children to spend every other weekend with?

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

   When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   Blasphemy - the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being; he's just got self-esteem issues.

   why do people on Facebook make a effort out of telling everybody in a huge paragraph how bad & boring their day was to make people feel sympathetic...Get over it, everybody has their bad days but maybe it would be better if you kept it to yourself.

   It wouldn't be a normal Sunday on the couch watching the Baltimore/Indianapolis game without the Erectile Dysfunction commercial. 4 hours? Goddamn.

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

   The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty ****ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

   I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST

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   I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...

   Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!