Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has never been good with foreign languages. He just tried to wish someone a happy birthday in Spanish, and what he wound up saying was, "The hooker chews on poisoned lugnuts."

   just met a lot of people who will corner the market on coal this Christmas.

   also slept with Tiger Woods.

   disappointed that all libraries don't carry free adderall

   Every womans' dream is a nice big wedding. Every mans' nightmare is a nice big wedding

   Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

   Joe Dirt says 'Lifes a garden Dig It' I say 'life is NOT a garden so stop being a hoe!'

   Tiger woods just changed his Relationship to: "it's Complicated

   Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life

   How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.

   wondering if unemployment will be sending me a christmas bonus?

   “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places

   What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

   Brad Pitt once asked me out. I was in his room.

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

   You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.