Funny Status Messages

   I am whipped today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   When your advertisement interrupts my video, it makes me really hate your product.

   Am I allowed to say that fish are dumb or will people say it's some sort of animal hate speech.. I have been struggling with this for months

   If you’re gonna tell me how to parent my kids, I’m gonna send one home with you.

   What's going on!?!? I thought it was a guarantee that Jared would bring peace to the middle east?????

   Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".

   Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

   Red dawn should make US Citizens realize how the rest of the world feels with their ridiculous unjustifiable attacks!

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 4 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

   In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.

   What kind of quack doctor prescribes an odd number of pills for OCD

   I find it quite humorous how many Trump humpers watched the State of the Union.

   There's a new #Aerosmith album coming out, so call your grandma she'll be excited.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.

   First of all, Adam Levine, who still uses a pay phone? Secondly, you're such a wuss. Stop calling her. She obviously treats you like crap & puts you in misery. Grow some balls, man.

   I got off with this Thai lady last night........ She had an 8 inch clit0ris...

   "Well, If I have a good lawyer",,, The answer to the question,,,, Can I bring a gun to a fist-fight?

   Who lied to you, people who call themselves beautiful?

   Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.