Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are those who sit and watch, and those who do. ..........I prefer to be one of those who tell others to do, then watch! ;-)

   When I was young I thought by 2010 that we would have personal spaceships and android boyfriends that had no feelings or emotions...I was right about the android boyfriends, but would rather have a personal spaceship!!!

   I met Mr. Cadbury on Quality Street at Bournville, close to Mars in this Galaxy, the Milky Way. It was After Eight, on a Double Decker, I was feeling the Crunch as I was Bounty hunting for Kit-Kat. My stop was next, Toblerone.

   just came back home and found Santa in his mouse trap... My cheese was all gone, but at least the milk and cookies were safe.

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   Next time you're stuck in traffic, look at the cars around you. Spot the couples: 90% of them have a sad and lost look. Now, detect a couple where the guy looks happy and jolly, then take a good look at the girl next to him: she must be brand new!!

   my girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself another girlfriend

   in no mood for a smoke today!!

   .menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how most womens probIems begin with men?

   Aliens are coming to Earth on Monday to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye.

   the reason for your wet dream!

   holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   A teacher in a detriot kindergarden class asked the kids what sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled FREEZE MUTHAF**KA

   Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them

   Girls improve their looks not their mind, because they know guys are stupid, not blind.

   Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

   Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

   Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.