Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gonna get some gold in my mouth, turn my hat sideways

   Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and enjoy. :) Keep going and press option 4. Listen to the options...then press 7.

   'This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read it without the word dog!'

   burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.

   My neighbor's kids are named Maximus and Commodus. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of Crack.

   SFOL #5: Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   not illiterate. His parents were married when he was born.

   Every piece of paper has two good sides... Unless you use magic marker then you're out of luck

   You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

   Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

   considering using braille for his banking pin number, my only worry, a blind person will figure it out...

   clones 2,4, & 9 are still missing. I'll check the liquor stores, and you check the porn shops. If they've gotten out of town, they'll be heading for Vegas!

   sick of talking about herself in 3rd person.

   Noticed this morning that I have the body of a Greek GOD! Old, obsolete, and something that no one is interested in anymore.

   I see L.A. as a beautiful blonde with dirty underwear.

   When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

   Sad Fact Of Life #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn't do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

   It takes a natural disaster in Haiti for the US government to step up and donate money and aid and go above and beyond to offer assiatnce. Yet, they are too incompetent to do the same thing in our own country.