Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   advises; never pass a bathroom, never waste a woody and never, ever trust a fart.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   i hide behind the tears of a clown

   you cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; but when you jump off a bridge into a lake... i'll be ready with the boat :D

   busier than a one-armed man in an ass-whipping contest!

   Men expecting regular women to act like porn stars is similar to women expecting men to act like the sensitive hunks in romantic comedies.

   death gotta be easy cause life is hard. It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred

   heard there might be a Goonies 2 coming out so he is going to eat 15lbs of deep fried chicken, 82 big macs, 104 bags of cheetos and drink 38ltrs of pop in the course of 1 week just so he can get the 'Chunk' role and bust out the 'Truffle Shuffle'

   Ugggh.. won't work just end so I can hurry up and go to fight club already?

   Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

   the guy who said women are bad at maths, missed out that they also divide the number of people that the slept with by 3!

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   can't understand you.... I don't speak fluent bullsh!t

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!

   wondering when a Jehovah Witness dies and gets to Heaven if God hides behind the Pearly Gate and pretends he's not in?

   Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend

   reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!

   What a night...can't remember a thing...why is there waffle house syrup in the bed..the lingerie hanging from the chandelier is hot! but, umm, where are the girls? were there....any...girls here last night????

   Let me just take care of all of this reposting I have to do at once? My life is wonderful, I hate cancer, I donated to Haiti, I support our troops, I love my Mom,I`m from Everett,Hugs and smiles to to you,I won`t join your farmville, I won`t be answering

   's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.