Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy...

   I just found out Donald Trump is actually vaccinated. What's up with that!? What a traitor!

   If you notice, 2021 backwards is 1202. If you take away the 1 and the 0, you'll have 22. It doesn't mean anything but thanks for reading.

   If you look at "OMICRON," add the letters "SETAGLLIB" and then remove the letters "NORCIMO," the remaining letters spell "BILL GATES." Makes you think, doesn’t it?

   Burn a body in a crematorium and you're "being respectful". . . Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!

   Christmas is truly a magical time. It's made all my money disappear!

   Omicron and Delta is an anagram for Media Control.

   Dear Facebook: Stop suggesting people I may know. Yes I know them. But I don't like them.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.

   I'm all for minorities being able to vote, as long as they vote for Trump.

   I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.

   I just want to be fit enough to put my seatbelt on, without crying.

   Here's a Christmas Idea for yas... Cheech and Chong advent calendars with 1 gram of different weed a day .

   Dear Santa: Either you give me what I want for Christmas or I'll turn Rudolph and Comet into a piece of deer jerky. Make it happen, fat man!

   perkatory (PUR kah tawr ē) n.: The anguished, prolonged period of time waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to finish brewing.

   Took my car into the mechanic. It was making a horrible high-pitched squeal. He said it was coming from the the Mariah Carey Christmas CD.

   It's all fun and games. . . Until Santa checks the naughty list.

   Can't wait for the fat man to show up on Christmas eve, and no I'm not talking about Trump.

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.