Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I really hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career... 
says: Well, everyone was dreaming of a white Christmas and well, we got it... Just on a side note - I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU DREAMERS. NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL!! :(
when the doctor tells me to start eating light does he mean I should start drinking a miller lite with every meal?
didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!
I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.
Dude, I don't care if it is a suitcase on wheels. If you have a bag, I'm gonna call it a "murse."
Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.
Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.
I think the USADA is on a power trip. They have now banned Lance Armstrong from eating French Toast.
In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.
uncross you legs...you're bending my glasses
RJ... oh you better believe I'm calling that store asking for the film back! I don't know who or what was in those pics but you caught my attention.
this grassy knoll?
I bet all the living descendants of the Lanisters have great credit!
I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat
My dad used to beat me with a camera and I have pictures to prove it.
i call my wife the buldozer with a broken rearview mirror. she flattens everything in her path and doesn't see it. she used to be a fun-sponge now she is the fun sham-wow now capable of soaking up 4 times the fun
It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.
People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.
Like a Spider Monkey Hopped up on Mountain Dew !!!!! 