Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   if the brown delivery truck is UPS,why doesnt FEDEX change their name to DOWNS since they are their opposing company?

   [ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   Why are all these farmers committing suicide in the midwest area? This is sad.

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   Just because I own a few acres of land, I'm always getting calls from timber companies. I wish others were this interested in my wood.

   All things being equal, my way is better.

   I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

   Hey broncos, puff puff pass time in the second half!..... Meanwhile at the Seahawks side...Sherman-"you know how I get when I get da munchies!

   Time to watch the Puppy Bowl

   I just did the Facebook movie thingy. Mine came back rated R

   I just tried to view on my Facebook (a look back) movie and had to agree that I was 18 or older before proceeding.

   that bowlof green chili burned a hole in my as