Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   humans......the only creatures who would actually invent a bunch of machines that throw you around, call it an amusement park, and we actually wait in long lines and PAY to do it!

   You will never get sleep with a redhead because they are soulless gingers and will steal you away when you sleep

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   so poor that he cant even pay attention

   If anyone needs me I'll be setting up a sniper pearch in Punxsutawney, Pa. This year that fat little groundhog will not make it back to the hole.

   A nwe sutdy porves htat hte hmuan barin cna tarsnlate an in-cmopleet snetence or a fargmnet of a wrod by piecnig eahc slyalbel of hte fargmnet toegtehr -tahnks

   wonders if I'm the only person that doesn't want to be on the Price is Right because I don't want to be seen running like a baboon down the aisles?

   bored, so is considering dressing as the grim reaper and tapping on the windows of the local retirement home and waving to the residents for entertainment

   Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!

   Wants Febreeze to make a bacon scent and then I'll be on board... Mmmmm bacon house.

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   Says Anything you Can Do... I Can Do It Better!!!

   life is about kicking a$$ not kissing it!!!!!

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   im not conceited,im just simply aware if how sexy I am!!

   if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???

   helping people find Jesus, one funeral at a time...

   you can sleep with a blonde,you can sleep with a brunette, but you won't get any sleep with a redhead. ;)