Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just read an article on heavy drinking and it scared the sh*t out of me! So thats it!! After today no more f*cking reading!!

   If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?

   The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege

   I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons

   "Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."

   lets flip a coin....heads I get tail and tails I get head!!

   the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did NOT see his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. In related news, George W. Bush was spotted blotting out the sun over North America this morning.....I'm sure he'll catch the blame, regardless.

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   saw a girl with a sweatshirt that said Abercrombie and Fitch. So I introduced myself..apparently that was not the names of her breasts..OUCH!!

   beer may not be the answer but it helps you forget the question

   I thought I loved her. Then I went to to strip joint. I never returned home.

   The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

   Guys are like a snow storm, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

   If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   wishes the world was her own personal globe, one good spin and "certain people" would fall off!!!

   Hopes that the "band" Owl-City are driving around in a recalled Toyota.

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.