Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always have very good instincts. For example, I can always tell when someone is throwing hot coffee on me.

   I feel sorry for the robbers who were wrongfully accused by Ryan Lochte. #justiceforharambe

   “Lunch is on me!” -Guy who just threw up on himself

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   If I die by gunshot, at my funeral I want at least three midgets re-enacting the 'bullet scene' from The Matrix.

   Never bring a knife to a gun fight; unless it's attached to a gun; look...just also bring a gun. Matter of fact just don't go to the fight.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.

   Your dog, who rolls in carrion, rubs her muzzle in my hair. Oddly, I do not mind this, but am reconsidering my choice of conditioner.

   damm girl are you sitting on the f5 key because that @$$ is refreshing

   Facebook suggested I join a Skeeball league. That's something where it'd be sad if you were already good. "Yep, I hang out in mall arcades a lot."

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   Instead of using someone's name for hurricanes, we should use safe identifiers, like Hurricane Apteryx, Calculus, Oatmeal, or Centipede.

   It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

   He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

   M&M Mars are stupid if they don't shoot a commercial featuring Mayweather and McGregor.

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   brought to you in full digital and also giving out coupons for your box.

   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.