Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   we know your from Michigan If you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

   What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

   It is disgusting that auto-flush toilets cannot tell the difference between a person who is peeing and a person who is crouching down to take a sip of water.

   So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

   Dear Televised Sports Injury, We saw it the first time. Thanks.

   I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

   If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?

   Overactive Bladder Hotline. Can you hold, please?

   My husband has finally come out of the closet..... He has been a Carpenters fan since he was 13........

   I get so confused when I'm about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen..... Can I watch or not?

   I've had just about enough of the "avocado this", "avocado that" stuff. Somebody please get me a calzone with sausage and pepperoni. 😛

   If a couple of rental property owners refuse to pay for maintenance, that's "the evil of two lessors."

   This summer everyone should wear sunscreen, so the person next to you won't get sunburned.

   If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

   I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

   If you’re gonna tell me how to parent my kids, I’m gonna send one home with you.

   Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

   My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

   You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the couch in April and have grown bigger ever since