Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!

   The WIFE and her husband's CREDIT CARD....The True Marriage.

   I saw a dog walking his blonde earlier today.

   Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty!

   saw a pirate movie the other day... It was rated ARRRRRRRRR!

   wonders if suacide bombers text. "BRB ... J/K! I won't BRB." Or, "TTFN SYIHW72V" = ta ta for now, see you in heaven with 72 virgins.

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   can't go to a nudist wedding, Women might mistake me for the Bestman."

   Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop."

   reuse, recycle, regift.

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. "Hey, Mr. Embassy man... two snaps ka-boom!"

   says "The early bird gets the worm, but the night owl gets the tequila!!"

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. I bet they'd wear fancy explosive underwear.

   Came home from work last nite just plain tired so I sat down to relax - five minutes later there was a knock on the door - it was my rear just catching up

   has a thing going with X's wife. Wait... all this third person stuff has X and me confused!

   thinks you're his smartest and best-looking friend on Facebook. (Thanks for not telling the others.)

   finally understood reality is an illusion. It is created by the lack of alcohol...

   thinks reality is a nice place to live, but sometimes feels like relocating

   I love the idea of Canada and America sitting down for a bud and a labatts. While we're at it we should have some apple pie and some poutine. America and Canada are like two brothers. We may argue alot but in the end we're family. Hey america. you ROCK!

   if the olympics had a gold medal for procastination...i'd probably win it...but i'd go recieve it later ;)