Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I am going to donate to Haiti and Chili as much as they donated to us when we were struck with Hurricane Katrina…… oh that's right that would be nothing! No one came to help us, and we still haven't finished cleaning up form from our natur

   seize the moment! Remember all those people on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart...

   sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins

   going to create his own costume and fight crime

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   The definiton of success: The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted: So to be successful, set low standards, to be a failure and frustrated, set very high standards.

   My therapist just prescribed all new meds for my March madness.

   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   feels sorry for all the hassle Toyota drivers have had to put up with the last few weeks, they deserve a brake...

   I hate it when you are looking for something and you realize that it is in your hand.

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

   apparently theres a board game named after the Titanic.. whats next, 9/11 jenga?

   roses are read violets are blue dont wear a pony tail while training shamu,

   became a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

   currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!!

   The Bachelor= The downfall of reality tv. OR was it Ellen taking Paula Abdul's place, OR is it the fact that Howerd Stern may be taking Sinon Cowell's place next season.

   was on the street and he saw an ugly pregnant lady, and he just thought, 'Good for you.'

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   Did I study? Nah. Did I buy a fancy pencil? You better beleive it.