Funny Status Messages
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X says Ah, The Super Bowl... Finally I can say "What a huge sack!" or "That's some serious penetration by The D!" -he got it from twittterr 
My salvation can be found in vodka, and very good weed.
When God closes a door, I open a beer.
Took a smoke break...... Came back inside to watch the Daytona 500.... All of the cars changed paint scheme..... Wait, what? Huh?..... Have I drank that much????? Rain delay dumbass....last years race..... Slowly walks back outside for another smoke
They are saying that Ukraine might split into two nations...It's gonna be called "2Krainez"....T.R.U. story
Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!
When I see a fender bender in traffic, I like to run over and cover myself with a bloody sheet and lay beside the road just to give the passing traiffic a show.
Keyboard worshippers are at it again this sunday morning.
the lucky is the only cigarette in the pacK that I get drunk and light backwards
Alright, it's gonna be a mild fall! Aaaaaaand it's snowing.
You cannot suck your own lollipop............. man if I could I would never leave home!
*emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?
It's the perfect time to replace ALS with Ebola.
I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!
Lexus commercial: husband surprises wife with a new car in the driveway. I surprise both of them by shooting it with a paintball gun
I here by proclaim that I identify as a person of color.
I PASSED THE BAR!!!! So proud of myself, I really wanted to get a shot of tequila but I just passed it and kept on walking.
If only he listened to his wife's "be best" campaign, then he wouldn't be in that predicament he's in now.
Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.
a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted 