Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think this new diet may be a little too strick. I actually look forward to paying bills because I get to lick the envelopes.

   Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

   says Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

   The difference between women and batteries is that batteries have positive sides.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.

   What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.

   So put that in your juice box and suck it!

   I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls.

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   on the toilet pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean!

   'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!

   messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...

   girls have unique powers they get wet without water, bleed without an injury & make boneless things get hard.

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   hates doing laundry and wishes her clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves