Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   How can there be a Facebookers Anonymous group on Facebook?

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a Tea cup Yorkie That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.

   The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict

   Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

   Breaking news!! Biden overheard telling Dr Jill, that Executive Orders were like Lay's potato chips. He stated "They're so good, no one, can sign just one".

   I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.