Funny Status Messages

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.

   How many cuckold convervatives does it take to stop a dictator? Answer: None. They would rather sit at home and jerk off to one..

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   Selena: *Trying to Rest In Peace* Her parents: get up you got a gig 🤪🤦🏻🤣

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.

   Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   where do I sign to get microchipped and controlled by the government i'm tired of making my own decisions

   I have a confession to make. When I was 9, I'd lick my arm and smell it.

   when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo