Funny Status Messages

   I think Stephen Hawking would be alive today if his family had called an ambulance and not taken him to PC World?

   what do you call it when a mom orders combo #5? ...mombo number 5 (now you're singing it)

   Do you know who I think I'am?

   Thank you for all your kind messages on my birthday.....and thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark

   my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   I changed my passwords to incorrect, so when I forget it tells me. Your password is incorrect. . .

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.