Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

   If you were a birdwatcher, would you prefer a Swift or Swallow?

   took my son for his swimming lesson and he said `i need a wee` , I said after looking around `sssshhhhh just do it in the water` .... and he did , trouble is he was standing at the pools edge !!

   just went to the book store to buy a wheres wally book. when I got there I couldn't find him anywhere. well played wally, well played

   I wish I could hire some of those Mexican workers to do all my work on Farmville.

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only OK if I'm actually taking a shower.

   Don't tell your boyfriend that your friend is slutty... It will only intrigue him...

   I woke up this morning with a hospital arm-band on containing all the information off my fake I.D. WTF did we do last night!?!?

   There's a new Tiger porn with all the hoes he cheated with called "It's all in the hips." It's better than his first release "Tiger's 18 favorite holes."

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   I put the STD in stud, now baby all I need is U.

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   updating FB while getting a bj

   I can kiss better then I can cook

   Good friends are like bras...close to your heart, and always there for support