Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   believes you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress”

   Got bit by a mental patient tonight at work. This may be my last message that makes sense, as I am starting to believe the CIA is watching everyhting I type and that these voices are pretty cool to hang out with.

   whoever said Kentucky can beat an NBA team needs to go hide under a rock..

   Wife came home from shopping, I asked her why she had to spend over £100 on makeup. She replied "It's so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on beer". I told her it was to make her look pretty. Had to sleep on the sofa that night.

   wishes mean people would go live on the planet Uranus.

     You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

   you can polish a turd but it will always be a piece of sh*t

   make sure you get all the bubbles out of the syringe....

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   just realized that you are supposed to urinate on jellyfish stings......not jellyroll stains....sorry fat stranger!!!

   My girlfriend has a cracking body. .... I think it's eczema.

   thinks his disco stick is available for riding on but is not 100% sure what a disco stick even is

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   Ahhhhhh. I love SPRING! Bright sunshine, slight breeze, about 70 degrees, and I am inside telling you people about it! See how much I care?

   going to heckle Tiger Woods at The Masters by throwing a box of condoms at him