Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend has very bad taste in clothing. Her only dress I love, is the one she takes off...

   Hell is Where: the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

   Heaven is Where: the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

   wonders why Noah didn't kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."

   a womans dead body was discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes......the police say she probably saw her killer coming

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...

   Before that van starts a'rockin, make sure that c*ck's got a stockin'!

   It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   I lost my virginity, can I have yours?

   If you can make a girl laugh - you can make her do anything.

   Hey girl, take off your make up, maybe we know eachoter

   age has nothing to do with experience... and everything to do with ability

   still a virgin, but this is an old status

   In about 40-50 years from now, there sure is going to be a lot of old women walking around with tattooes.

   100 people get swine flu and everyone wears a mask... 1,000 people get aids and no one wears a condom... Makes you wonder a little...