Funny Status Messages

   A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot day. Full of eggs and appealing for only a short time.

   Procrastinate now-don't put it off.

   ejaculate and evacuate

   The so called bullied became the bullies and are now bullying America because of one bully? What's next groping?

   Did Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam? If so she could assemble her suicide vest from all of those horrible movies she has made over her career.. Bombs.. get it..

   The real women's march takes place in New England when the Patriots take the field.

   Assume that anyone who is undecided at this point is trying to choose between Hillary and suicide.

   You know your getting old, when you start changing your grammer in texts..you know "goin' - going, neva-never, ax-ask.

   I've always wanted to know what was Victoria's secret…

   How can you stand under me, if you don't understand me?

   F*** procrastiation. Now I'm going to fail my finals....

   I've never had to have the need for mistle toe to get the ladies.

   I met a girl and she must had been really into me cause she gave me her number. She must be on TV cause her number begins with 555... Score!!!!

   going to write a book about the connection between rationalizing and procrastinating... Typing it would probably be easier. Might just dictate it to someone, make a few notes, or record it. Yeah, totally gonna do that, eventually!

   Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

   I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.

   I have this bad habit of always using my left hand to wipe my ass. Instead, I'm going to try to commit to using toilet paper more often.

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   uh...to the person who asked for the alibi...your on your own pal...

   wow...another recipe...thank god I'm on facebook or id never realize theres 721 things I can make with a turnip