Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oatmeal is only good for the first 8 bites...then you start playing with it.

   My arms are so sore from playing Wii, I can't even wank it.

   i realized I was getting old today when I discovered my first grey pubic hair."Dont worry, I wasnt as freeked out as the rest of the people in the elivator", I got over it...

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Hannah Montanna Poster! Grow up!!"

   waiting for the global warming people to push for the abolishment of the two utensil system by legislating the mandantory use of the spork to cut down on green house emmissions...it could happen!

   it seems like alot of people get great comments when they change there relationship status to "Single" so I'm gonna be in a temporary relationship just to let you all know I'm still single?

   Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

   Funny how they wanna friends AFTER they stomped, crushed, torched, ripped, backstabbed and oh yeah....broke your heart.

   "Where can I get one of those gold necklaces with the T?" "That's a Cross..." "Across from what?"

   There are no winners in Monopoly... only quitters and cheaters.

   I wonder what the goose did to earn its silly reputation...

   When it comes to rotating the view of a picture or PDF, every bit of my sense of clock-wise or counter clock-wise goes right out the window.

   If I bought everything you wanted me to, spam merchants, I'd be too conked out from the Vicodin to fit that Rolex watch around my giant penis.

   When someone ruins a load of whites on TV it's always because of a stupid red sock. Never a burgundy washcloth or scarlet granny panties, always a sock! Who owns fire engine red socks anyway?

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.

   U Can't Touch This. Well he didn't say that when the IRS took his money!

   In the early 90's hip-hop game, I suppose MC Hammer was wearing the trousers!

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!