Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

   My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility

   If he hadn't been tested for covid-19, Herman Cain would still be alive today.

   Gyms are open ! Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

   my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

   Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

   I got places to go! people to see! things to do! Hopefully soon if we could all stop going places, seeing people and doing things to help beat this virus!

   Trump is banning Tik Tok so if you still want to see 16 year old girls dance you have to get on a plane with Bill Clinton.

   did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   I was raped in jail ! My friends take monopoly way too serious.

   If you won the lottery, would you mail in the ticket? Or would you go in person? Why is that? (Remember this when you go vote.)

   Confucius say: "Young girl who go fishing with Biden come home with red snapper."