Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   Thinks Karma needs a GPS, since it finds those who don't deserve it and gets lost en route to those who do!!!

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times.

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.

   .... To the guy at Sam's club: thanks for parking in all 4 spots...I'm the one who thought that big empty space was the carriage return... Oops. How'd that work out for you d*#k head????

   the only thing worse than mom jeans are mom genes

   How do you tell whether your wife or your dog likes you more? ... Lock them both in the trunk and when you open it later see which one is happy to see you.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   With all the farm building and mafia hits, no wonder you don't have time to find a job.

   America, home of the brave...land of the broke!

   Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   America, the land of the free.....unless you're an American!

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you but the roses are wilting the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

   If I told you the Brooklyn Bridge was for sale would you buy it? Well I don't buy your bullsh!t either!

   Saving money on her car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident.

   Its fun to see blue water turn green after I pee in it...see kids, science is fun...