Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.... I could really use a wish right Now. B.O.B

   Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   I'm a pc and Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

   saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?

   I love burritos at four a.m. Parties that never end. I love quarterbacks eating dirt Pom-poms and short skirts And...and twins!"

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine....

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   Thinks Karma needs a GPS, since it finds those who don't deserve it and gets lost en route to those who do!!!

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times.

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.