Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich

   Dear Physics, I don't want to solve your problems. I have my own thanks

   Drinking, smoking and fatty foods are taking too long to kill me. I had to fall in love again to speed-up the process.

   My lack of understanding does not compensate for your intelligence. Wait, what?

   The best part of being me is that I'm not you...

   there will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   If you see a burrito running down the street screaming "RAPE", please return him to me. He is totally overreacting.

   going to keep his Facebook account but delete his real life...

   I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".

   Have you ever had one of those days where you wish you could reverse the time and punch the person who made it that way... Me either, I am just saying..

   wonders if it's ironic that I have facebook open in another tab.....you do to dont you

   How come a “drunk” girl on my facebook is able to enter her username and password correctly but when it comes to writing a status she types “90]]]]]]]]]POSPASFD@#”

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

   I hate it when people repost statuses. By the way, I'm gathering rocks to throw at you.

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   I am Nigerian Prince. If you click “like” I send you 17 Billion Dollars. I am very genuinelyness

   Aw sh!t…im the only black person in my african studies class. This could be awkward…

   When gays hack into their gay mate's facebook accounts, do they change the status to, “I'M STRAIGHT AND I LOVE EATING PU$$Y!”?

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   i am so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got facebook. So f&ck it. Sorry grandma.