Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

   A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

   The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   CNN just asked Joe Biden when he was going to pick a running mate, He told them he thought he already had.

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   My white privilege was me working 2 jobs to put myself thru the cheapest public university I could attend...

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Privilege is being given extra consideration based on what box you check for race on your college application.

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.