Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   watching Jersey shore can cause herpes of the eyes.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to walk away from, and some I would love to punch in the face

   The only thing worse than the truth are the lies that are told to cover it up.

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...

   Fellas, There is a direct correlation between the size of the mega-spoiler on your car and the unlikelihood of your getting laid.

   BREAKING NEWS: NFL owners and players are meeting today to determine whether I'll have to spend Sundays with my family this fall...

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Facebook Commandment II: Thou shalt not be caught taking a photo of thyself in the bathroom mirror and posting on FB or thou shall be slapped!