Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Facebook Commandment II: Thou shalt not be caught taking a photo of thyself in the bathroom mirror and posting on FB or thou shall be slapped!

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking.

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...

   Fellas, There is a direct correlation between the size of the mega-spoiler on your car and the unlikelihood of your getting laid.

   BREAKING NEWS: NFL owners and players are meeting today to determine whether I'll have to spend Sundays with my family this fall...

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself