Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   [first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

   For some reason I have a feeling that I might have told you this joke about Deju Vu before.

   Just watching the news who said "The coronavirus is affecting the most dense populated aria's" but think they meant to say "densely" but maybe not.

   Revenge is a dish best served eventually

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   I bet Pavlov felt like feeding the dogs every time a bell rang

   The Illuminati have planted facial recognition cameras everywhere and the only way to stop them from tracking your every movment is by wearing a mask over your face. Tell everyone!!

   If you don't like wearing a face mask the next time you go in for surgery don't forget to tell your surgeon to take off their mask as it won't protect them.

   It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime

   Raisins are the Cougar of Grapes

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