Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BABY GOT BACKYARD Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

   Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

   People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

   87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.

   Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   My behavior during the Pandemic should earn me the Nobel Peace Prize

   Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

   Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

   2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people