Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

   I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"

   I would pay $1,000 to watch the "View" hosts attempt to run one mile.

   "Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

   The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.

   The worst five words are "can I have a bite."

   "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

   my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

   People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

   Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.

   In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker".

   I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .

   I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?