Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks Oscar the Grouch should have upsized and moved into the dumpster accross sesame street.

   the more successful you are the more they will envy you, so screw it, be the best of the best it's not like anyone can do anything about it

   was gonna go on a date tonight but his Farmville eggplant were supposed to be ready so he had to cancel.

   Eyjafjallajokull is more like a baby typing on a computer than a volcano!

   thinking about starting a group called "Just let me put the head in". Who wants to become a fan?

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   I've just drank Gatorade.. still waiting to sweat colors...

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   eyjafjallajokull? that's honestly more of a drunk status update than a volcano.

   Support your local record store today, because you can't roll a joint on a download b*tches.