Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   Reminder: Buy low and sell high... Unless it's Pot... Then you're buying and selling high...

   Stop everything you're doing... Think about me... You're welcome...

   wishes I were more outdoorsy. Unfortunately, there are bugs outside.

   If a womans pregnant and uses a vibrator, does the kid come out with a stutter?

   I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

   On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

   Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

   Ladies, you need to quit tanning so much! No guy wants to date a woman who can strike a match on her face to smoke a cigarette after sex...

   It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”

   Clothes are half of what makes a man who he is. Take your favorite super hero, put him in drag, is he still your favorite?

   They say humans evolved from apes but there are some people who make you reconsider.

   He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”

   When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it's not a trap door.

   Now that I've stopped drinking I don't have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.

   My integrity is not for sale and won't be until it can fetch a better price.

   By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.

   You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.