Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

   If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   Date: Yeah I’m gonna go. Me: *At the top of the slide at McDonald’s* Are you sure?

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy are, pack her bags and leave.

   What do you call a man who has everything?...... A bachelor.

   .. If there was a liars hall of fame. He would be first person inducted.

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   Don't kid your self would be a good name for a comdom.

   Men try role reversal in bed, and you have a headache for once.

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.

   Now would be an Ideal time for Netflix to release Sheldon Cooper presents Sheldon Cooper's "Fun With Flags"

   What you need to ask yourself is… Do you really like pancakes and waffles? Or are they just a syrup delivery vehicle?

   Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.