Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Religion is all-too-often a refuge for scoundrels.

   " A friend with weed is a friend indeed!!!!! "

   Once upon a time, many, many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was in the Boy Scouts. I slipped on a banana peel, hurt my ankle and a little old lady had to help me cross the street.

   Homeless people dont have it too bad; I mean.......they dont have to pay taxes, WORK, pay bills, hell.......they can freakin sleep anytime they want!

   Dear Facebook: Stop suggesting people I may know. Yes I know them. But I don't like them.

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I come near them.

   Sierra, Echo, November, Delta. November, Uniform, Delta, Echo, Sierra

   Stock markets close out on worst year since 1931. Well, we did say we wanted to go back in time, to the good old days.

   Five years ago today, Barack Obama wore a tan suit, the biggest scandal in presidential history (rolling eyes back).

   Maybe if we over-paid our teachers and under-paid our Pop artists their would be better education and less bad music.

   we need to stop blaming obama for everything bush screwed up..then stop blaming bush for everything Clinton screwed up and then...oh you get it.

   America is the only nation in history which has gone miraculously gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever...

   Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people

   “Feeling sad? We can help make it worse” - online dating

   I'll bet that hookers calculate their profits and losses by using a spread sheet.

   Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.......

   It's almost 2015, why don't we have hoverboards yet?" he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.

   *Sees window of opportunity... *Cleans it.

   Please specify orientation ?heterosexual ?bisexual ?homosexual ?asexual ?metrosexual ?getnosexual?