Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1st Cannibal: Should I boil this missionary? 2nd Cannibal: Don’t be silly – that’s a friar!

   I've been staring at my ceiling fan thinking if it could hold my weight, this quarantine thing would be way more enjoyable.

   me: [yawning] might get dressed today coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

   This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

   Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

   Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

   Woman walks in Dentist office with a pet: Do you work on dogs? Dentist: No why? Woman: My Yorky has a severe underbite. Dentist: Mam, that's a Shih Tzu.

   I wasn’t going to vote for B¡den, but now that 0bama has endorsed him, I’m not going to vote for him even harder.

   Think I need to take a break from Facebook as although it's been great being able to keep in contact with you all and I'll miss you I have to go inside to let my phone charge for about an hour.

   some people write LOCKDOWN cuz they can't spell KWARANTEEN!!

   Seems like the pajama market on eBay is starting to get price gouged.

   I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Wonder if those tide pod eaters were on to something if soap kills the Coronavirus?

   n't Coors Light a redundancy?

   * With the people staying home. The air pollution levels have dropped. I actually went out in my back yard today, and smelled fresh air for the first time in twenty years.

   Why did Wisconsin Supreme Court change to the Dems? I think I'm going to kill myself.

   Here's an idea: Let's put the MSM in quarantine for 30 days to stop the spread of Fake News.

   * He claims he went to an ivy league college, and has an incredible vocabulary. To bad his incredible vocabulary isn't part of the english language.