Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   The only difference between McDonald's and my work is McDonald's has only got one clown running the show

   ...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.