Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

   Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

   Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Walmart just announced that they'll be hiring a hundred thousand new workers and now with any luck maybe they'll open at least more then 2 of their 27 registers.

   Just think of all the things making big money during this. Netflix!, Disney+, Pornhub.

   Socialism bad, unless I need it. Love Trump supporters.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   No wonder Italy is feeling the worst of the Coronavirus. They're all out on their balconies singing two feet away from each other.

   If the TV news only showed him when he told the truth, he would never be on TV.

   Yall remember when in 2013 Obama shut down the government... Welp in 2020 Trump shut down the whole USA

   ALL STREAMING SERVICES SHOULD BE FREE AT THIS TIME!

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   The first person to make a Kenny Roger's Roasters cremation joke is gonna get a swift... never mind. It's me.

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   Ruby can finally take her love to town... guilt free.