Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when Friday is in town :))))) because she always brings her friends Saturday and Sunday along too!

   If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

   Where there is a Will.............. Put Me In It

   Today's weight loss tip: Use superglue as lip gloss!!

   beat the heck out of the alarm clock this morning. It's currently on life support, but if it tries that $hit again tomorrow, I'm pulling the plug!!!

   dear idiot driver, if you piss me off again I'll show you the finger, a few choice words & the horn all in 3 sec . You call it road rage, I call it multitasking

   In about 50 years from now, tombstones will read 'Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and Facebook friend

   You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else

   I don't care if you don't accept my friend request. Just thought you'd like to see what we say about you on our wall!

   It's hotter than the devils fart outside!

   went to a shrink today. She says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other biyach!

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k,128k,256k,512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane

   whew... stocks drop 900 points..... wish it were like a married woman and rarely went down

   Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!

   It took me many years to lose my mind. Why the hell would I want a piece of yours?

   Friday...the dirty librarian of the days of the week...she starts out all respectable but by 11 o'clock you know some crazy sh#ts going down...

   OUCH! Why does a papercut always have to feel like a gunshot wound!?!

   On this rediculously windy day I have decided to reinforce my toupee with extra strength polly grip

   getting a tattoo on my forhead of the word "Idiot", because it seems that everyone that I come across already thinks that I am. So I have decided to just put it out there for them so they don't waste anymore time in trying to figure it out.

   if meat is murder, I will have my murder medium rare done please...