Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   logged into myspace, felt like I was cheating behind facebook's back

   Please give your Mother's an Extra Big Hug tomorrow for those who can no longer hug theirs here on earth... Cherish the Moment.

   thinks KFC donating money to breast cancer research is like the mafia giving money to the neighborhood church.

   Im not watching the news anymore, too depressing, I rather watch Forensic Files instead.

   listening to WPMS. They play three weeks of easy listening and one week of ragtime.

   Tase me out to the Ball Game...Tase me out on the field... `cuz its 1 - 2 - 3 seconds `til I am down on the freeeakin` field..

   wants to thank BP for the oil spill in the Gulf.I heard Fish Oil capsules will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   thinks Toyota built the Staten Island Ferry.

   I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his c**k wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

   Mother's Day Warning: You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   Not sure which one of you sent them...but the men in the little white coats left empty handed...again....better luck next time....

   I was in Walmart the other day and noticed they had some Obama Christmas tree decorations for sale...I guess they figure it's okay to hang a black man from a tree now.......

   the superman of humility

   Sorry, I'm into the "inflatable" type.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Don't text and walk at the same time! Trust me, that street lamp... is closer than you think!

   After undergoing a sex change operation, a judge in Santa Monica granted Chaz Bono's petition to be recognized legally as a man. He celebrated by leaving the toilet seat up.

   thinks a woman is like a KFC bargain bucket. Once you have finished with the breast and legs, all that is left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in.