Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A sure sign of a bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow so we have one less hour of Trump.

   My wife and I do it Doggie Style: I sit up and beg then she rolls over and plays dead.

   Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the leader of the free world should be pissing his pants.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   since camping spoons are white, are they still considered "silverware" or should they be called "whiteware" ?

   Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   Forgot we have to turn our clocks ahead today and was really confused how I spent an hour making my coffee this morning.

   Out of toilet paper, will trade you one new roll for 5 gently used rolls

   One good thing about daylight savings time is the clock in my car is finally correct!

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.

   Anyone remember a time before Facebook when you how to get your selfies developed then go around to all your friends houses to see if they liked them? Yeah neither do I.

   The morality rate for Covid-19 is 2%. The percentage of g@ys is 4%. You have a greater chance of becoming a mollusk muncher or a pole smoker than dying from the Coronavirus.

   By the reactions below, this is a group of major pole buffers.

   I don't care what you look like as long as you don't smell bad.

   Coronavirus won't last long, it was made in China.

   I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date