Funny Status Messages

   reading Come On In! by Doris Open

   Loading Swag... ████████████████ 100% Complete

   told my husband, if you don't become more mature, you are going to erect a wall between us, he said hahahaha you said erect!!

   wonders if when the inventor of the bong came up with the idea, did a black light appear above his head?

   Obama, I voted for you. I stay open minded on your views about education and health care even though I don't agree with everything. I am american and you're my president. Dude, you mess with my Xbox and iphone and that's it! You're off my friends list!

   saw that the actress who plays Ginny Weasley and the actor who plays Jasper Hale are engaged. Way to try and end the Harry Potter/Twilight fued.

   Did I just use bacon as a verb?

   Lawrence Taylor quote: "I'm not a rapist but I did stay at a holiday inn express last night"

   likes to go to the local pet store, find the most innocent looking clerk and ask "where are all the bi*-ches at?"

   The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either

   My new checks all have trampolines on them. Just so bill collectors know they may bounce!

   Yes, "facebooking" IS an action verb. Along with googling, tweeting and farmvillin'.

   Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".What, a plug?

   Police are such idiots. I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm pissed!!

   My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail

   used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!

   was driving past the woods today and saw a group of bird watchers, so I flipped them the bird.

   a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.

   wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."

   What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.