Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. so far, they've had 1 billion applicants.

   We're looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

   Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see

   Every year I rotate all 4 tires on this date

   Should the person who invented Swiss cheese be referred to as “Your Holiness”?

   The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as The Manilla Folder.

   I walked into a bar in another neighborhood the other day and I noticed that everyone there was wearing a tool belt. Then I found out they were all roofers. I’d stumbled into a shingles bar.

   Hello...?!?!?! Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?! ...Anyone at all?!

   Welcome to Facebook. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

   huge shout out to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

   **Blood-curdling scream** Dinner's ready.

   I like using my speakerphone but hate how it literally spells everything I say exclamation point period

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   I do not want to get the Coronavirus that’s why I switched to Modelo

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   you've never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

   Got my test results back today... Negative - phew!! What is IQ anyway?- Bernie Sanders

   If you think the Dems worked with the entire world on a “new hoax” to take down Trump, then yes I think you are stupid.

   Medicare for all is Socialism. Also don't you dare touch my Medicare!